Randomosity Ensues
by DIRUIsTeh-Secks
Summary: Yes! Total randomness shall insue from visiting authoress to hot makeout scense. Maybe not your kinda humor but there should surely be a small bit that'll make you giggle. C'mon...A tiny tidbit? On hold. Some material not approperiate for some.
1. Before Total Chaos

All right. I hate self-inserts and whatnot…but I had the sudden urge to write one. So this will be totally random, stupid, ridiculous, incoherent, written on a whim and any other terms I can think of to describe this pointless concoctions of no sense and probably yaoi clips in later chapters if I feel the need to write more. A'right…

Disclaimer: Me no own Naruto, so you no sue my noodle.

"Speaking…"

'Thinking…'

'**Conscience speaking…'**

"Myself Speaking…"

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"GYAAA! SASUKE!"

The whiney wen- I mean…young girl screeched obnoxiously, running towards the two boys that were sitting upon a conveniently placed bench under a large tree by the bridge. She skidded to a halt before the two, glaring at the blond that would dare sit so close to HER Sasuke. He could infect him with something awful. The blond just rolled his eyes, glancing over at the ebon-eyed male beside him, smirking at him in a taunting manner. How he ever liked the bubble-gum haired girl, he never understood. Or maybe it's just because he is so dimwitted. The dark haired boy glared at his bench companion, cursing his fabulously good looks and charms and cursing the annoying and obsessive female before him. He'd thought he'd have given her enough hints…Hell, even enough blunt statements to make her get a clue and get a grip. But hey…She is even more dimwitted than Blondie sitting beside him. The pink haired girl changed her expression in a heartbeat, looking towards the dark-haired boy in what she thought was a cute and seductive pout.

"Sasuke-kun, would you please come have lunch with me?"

Increasing her pout, she stuck out her bottom lip, her eyebrows dropping slightly and her eyes wide and "puppy-dog-ish" that they were almost watering. It made Naruto feel rather depressed really…and curious…how the hell could she get her eyebrows to do that? And they were pink…Does that mean that her hair is NATURALLY pink? That's scary. What would her kids look like? He was a natural blond and his eyebrows were as well. He furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his water-blue eyes, trying to get a glimpse of the ever so shiny and silky gold colored hair. He had almost succeeded, his tongue sticking out of his mouth when a rude and insufferable voice interrupted his concentration.

"NARUTO! Change your face. The oh-so-shiny and shimmery rays of sun bouncing off your eyebrows are blinding and disabling me from gazing upon MY Sasuke."

Naruto just stared at her in a slightly uncomfortable manner. His eyebrows? Blinding? Disabling? Is that even possible? Well…obviously it was, DUUUUUH!

"Err…Ok?"

Pinky- I mean, Sakura returned her watery gaze to Sasuke, her pout returning ten-fold. All the amusement left the obsidian haired boy's face as it shifted into a cringed and shook his head,

"I don't think so…"

He looked away, unable to keep looking at the unbearably scrunched face and accentuated and large forehead. She whined and attached herself to Sasuke's arms, trying to coerce him into going along with her. She shook her head slightly, her arm reaching up to do one of those model hair flips. How atrocious that looked for her. Naruto's eye twitched, wanting to grab the scissors that had magically appeared before him, dangling by a random piece of string and just shear all of her hair off. Maybe just to piss her off and give her a haircut like Rock Lee. How amusing that would be to see her face, let alone see that hairstyle in PINK of all colors. Naruto stopped though when there was a poof and a cloud of smoke appearing before them, eventually and dramatically revealing…KAKASHI! WOOO! Everyone cheers. Only not really. His hand placed upon his hip, his stance neutral and his ever familiar, orange Icha Icha Paradise book held in his other hand, his only visible eye invisible as it was buried within the ever curious, and ever assumed pornography book. Were they ever sure what it truly was? Maybe they'll never know. Or maybe never WANT to know. Naruto blinked and tilted his head in a fox-ish manner, Sasuke just stared vacantly and blandly at their seemingly perverted sensei. Sakura…Well…Does anyone really care what Sakura thinks? I mean…come on…Her hair is PINK! Yet…Kakashi's hair is silver and ever so beautiful and silky looking. Naruto idly stared at it in its glorified silver glory.

'I wonder if he uses gel or if it naturally gravity defying. And what's REALLY under that mask of his. Hmmm…"

'**Why don't you ask him, kit?'**

Kyuubi asked in the ever so deviously innocent way a fox demon could. Naruto 'pfftd' and rolled his eyes at the fox.

'Yeah. Like he'd actually tell me.'

'**You never know. He just might.'**

Suddenly realizing that Kakashi was speaking he stood up, radically jutted his finger into the air and ever-so-enthusiastically announced…

"PORK!"

After a few moments of complete and utter silence, Naruto's body slacked as his eyes waded back and forth between the highly confused faced of his teammates and the obviously amused, cloth covered face of their sensei. His eyes narrowed to slits and he placed his hand on the back of his neck, his other being dropped from the air like a wet pancake and onto his orangey orange hip.

"Eh-Heh…"

'**Smooth, kit. Real smooth.'**

Naruto's face contorted and he growled at the demon's spirit within him. Making him look rather intimidating in an entertaining way. Randomly growling like a gaggle of goslings with a hand on his hip and the other behind his ever-so-blond and silky head. Sasuke merely rolled his obsidian eyes at the blond while Sakura glared menacingly at the spirit holder for being so stupid and Sasuke infecting. Kakashi on the other hand started giggling like a giddy schoolgirl, his face actually pulled out of his Icha Icha Paradise book. Pulling out a random RAZR phone, he flipped it open, clicked a few magical buttons and positioned it. He giggled again. Viola. A ten second click of Naruto on this strange device that looks strangely like the authoress' RAZR phone.

Somewhere in a far of land on a computer a young, 15 year old, blue haired girl sat at her computer. Suddenly remembering she has to make a call, she turns to grab her sell phone to find it magically not there. Tearing the house apart and still, not able to spot her precious connection to a life she doesn't have. Suddenly realizing something, she scrunched her eyes closed and wrinkled her nose in anger. Throwing her head back, she screamed in pure, unbridled and hormone endorsed, teenage angst-rage…

"KAKASHIIIIIII!"

The echo could be heard across the continent, magically carried by ferryboat across the oceans and to where our guests stand at this moment. The three that were strategically placed in their respective areas, disrespecting the concept of personal space, listened curiously while one stood stock still and ridged, his visible eye twitching an a look of utter terror crossing his face as he waved his partially gloved hand, stuffing the ever-so-lovely blue covered RAZR into his pocket and muttering a farewell before performing lightning fast Jutsu and disappearing in a burst of smoke. The original group of three looked at each other with confusion and curiosity with a short look that could say 'What-has-he-done-THIS-time?'

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Wow…Really a rather vague ending, and I'm not really satisfied with it, but as I said previously, this is just written on a whim starting at 12 am-ish or so with like…a three-hour break and ending at 4:30 am. No pairing in this chapter. Unless you consider Sakura almost forcing herself upon the Uchiha, then…Think what you wish. I hope you enjoyed. Reviews would be enjoyed. So would flames…This was just a "Fuck you, I had the urge" fic, so, they will be greatly entertaining. I love you all and farewell. Your favorite smutt…

xXxIchaIchaxXx


	2. It All Started With The RAZR

Ok…I had a short realization while I was taking a shower earlier today…I don't think this could technically be called a "Real" self-insert. I'm not an actual named and significant CHARACTER within the story. I'm still a person interjecting within the actual story from the author's point of view. Anyway…Whether I get reviews or not…I might still write this…they would be nice though…'''

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. So you no sue my noodle. I don't own The Matrix either. Or "Breakfast On Pluto" That is were the Cetin/Kitten thing came from. I do own a RAZR though…w00t. Oh…and in no possible way do I own "Slave" sung by Brittany Spears. Gag

Warning: Swearing and some smooching. Umm…some almost nudity…and pole dancing that should be illegal.

"Speaking…"

'Thinking…'

'**Conscience speaking…'**

"Myself Speaking…"

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He couldn't run, no matter where he poofed to and from. There was no hiding from the angsty, teenage authoress. He stood crouched atop a branch within a large tree, his single, visible eye scanning expertly thus way and this. Hearing nothing that sounded too threatening, he silently leapt from the thick foliage tree. A small smile crawled upon his cloth-covered face. His eye curving in what could be content and relief.

"I believe you have something of mine…Kakashi-sama."

The sound of a young, yet very serious voice penetrated the maleninja's ears. He halted, his shoulders tense and suspended. He craned his head to the right, seeing the authoress leaning against a large tree, her arms folded across her black clad chest. Her head was tilted down, her blue bangs covering her left eye from sight. The scarecrow 'eh-heh'd and placed his hand behind his head.

"I have no idea what you are talking about…Cetin, A/N: Pronounced Keh-chin…It's Latin…I think is it not?"

A sweat drop appearing beside his temple as he waited in suspense for the authoress' reaction. He didn't know what she would do to him. Sure, she was definitely slower, weaker, and had no real ninja abilities what-so-ever…But she had the power of writing…Who knows what horrible thinks she could make him commit…Or something…Even...Give him to rabid fan-girls. His inner Kakashi screamed like a little girl, dreading the thought. A smirk befell the blue haired girl's face as she shook her head slightly.

"Aye, that it is Cetin, but you may call me…Kitten. I know you are lying Kakashi-sama. You have taken my RAZR phone and I want it back. I must return to the life in which I lack."

Came the authoress' cool reply. Tilting her head asshe watched the Copy Nin with her visible, blue eye. His evident eye twitched slightly at the calm coolness of the shorty standing to her full 4'11" stance before him. He would have made a comment about it if she didn't have such control over what he could do and could happen. He glanced around him carefully, trying to find a good way to escape unscathed and, hopefully, still in possession of the funny, electronic device of amusement. WITHOUT the authoress prodding him in the ass for it. Seeing he had nowhere to go because, as the authoress wrote what was happening at this moment, he hadn't had the "brain function" to actually move and run away, knowing he could.

"It was…Orochimaru's…No wait…SAKURA'S idea to take it. She wanted to take it because she's…a…spoiled little brat that deserves to have her hair colored and or cut off…?"

He sweat dropped when a small smile appeared upon the short girls face. She slowly meandered over towards him, looking at the sky in an almost dreamy manner. She chuckled and reached up, standing on tiptoes and ruffling his silky, silvery hair. Huh…No gel…Interesting. She smiled again.

"Good boy." 

She turned around, facing her back to him as she changed her position around him so she was standing beside him, still facing the opposite way.

"Still…You having my RAZR within your possession whilst I twas looking for it still serves for some punishment. Oh don't worry. Nothing you can't handle."

Pulling her hands from her pockets, she fisted her left hand and drawing it back. Stretching out her right had, she drew it back as well, twisting her body. Using the force by pushing her fisted arm back more, she wretched her right arm back across her body, landing it open-palmed right below the scarecrow's neck with a satisfying thump. Dragging her right leg across the ground so she turned 90 degrees so she was facing him, she tucked her right arm back to her body before swinging it out and back towards the center of her body, giving Kakashi another satisfying thump upon his chest. All of this was happening in spectacularly slow motion, the camera angle changing at all time, moving around them in a circle. Time seemed to freeze for a few moments, giving it a "Matrix" feeling. Time shortly returned to normal. He muttered something about the authoress being a 'nutter' and rubbed his chest, trying to reach his back and soothe the stinging.

"Ow."

The small female quirked an eyebrow at him, obviously hearing him announce the word, since she of course was writing it and made him say it. She smirked again at the taller male. She sidled up to him, flashing him a silver smile before reaching into one of his pockets and fishing out the RAZR. He whimpered and made a grab for it but the ever-so-kind and loving authoress slapped his hand away.

Kakashi trudged lamely back towards the bridge and his students. He cringed. Damn she had harsh five-stars. By the end of his small ordeal, he had three five-stars on his back, one on his chest and stomach. **'That one hurt.' **He had a few two and three stars laid out across both of his arms,one five star on his right thigh. Then the one precariously placed upon his ass. He didn't even remember when he got THAT one. Spotting the bridge he slowed his pace down, thinking of what she last said to him.

&&&&&&&&&&&&**Flashback**&&&&&&&&&&&&

_The authoress leaned back against her previous tree, nodding with a satisfied, yet small smile upon her face. After watching the scarecrow for a few minutes, she stood straight and turned, starting to walk away. Suddenly stopping she glanced over her shoulder, speaking with meaningful words to the Copy Nin._

"_Next time it happens Kakashi-Sama…I'm sure that the fan-girls would be absolutely ECSTATIC to mean you." _

_Looking forth and starting to walk again, she didn't see Kakashi start to tremble, his evident eye widening with fright. NOT THE FAN-GIRLS!_

&&&&&&&&&&&**End Flashback**&&&&&&&&&&&&

Falling to his knees, he threw his fists to the sky and screamed…

"WHY PORK, WHY! WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO WITH YOUR PORK SANDWHICHES OF PORKIFIED DOOOOOM?"

Leaning forwards and pounding his fists into the grassy ground he dry sobbed for a few moments before dramatically sniffing a couple times and looking up to a rather strange sight. Gaara had arrived as some point a while back and brought a Happy Kitten Memory Card game. You know the one. With all the little squares with pictures on them and each picture has a double. You know…where you have to find the matches. Well…He brought one. And they had happy kittens on them. Gaara and Naruto were sitting in a magically placed pool on noodles with a broken piece of door used as the table drifting between them.

'**Where did they get that piece of door?'**

The Copy Nin's conscience asked him dutifully, trying to gain back any scrap of sense it could clasp is imaginary tentacles on. He was drug out of his comprehension attempt by some of the most ear wrecking singing he'd ever heard. Covering his ears he glanced over towards the horrible sound to see that the conveniently placed bench had become a small stage with a pole on it magically attached to…a tree branch. Interestingly strange and…creepy…Why was there a…strip pole…by the…tree…? Cringing again, Kakashi watched with an abhorred look on his face as the bubble-gum haired girl wriggled onto the small stage, dressed in practically…NOTHING…Now, Kakashi wasn't one to be prude or anything…Hell, he could be considered a pervert…but this was life scarring because it was SAKURA. She was dressed in a yellow, harness looking top that was only enough to cover her nipples. Making her look even more flat chested than she already was. Wearing black chaps and a G-string. Poor Sasuke was spasming on the ground, his mouth foaming. Oh and the atrocity that was Brittany Spears' "Slave" that the pink haired wench was singing. She sounded like a washing machine chewing on cats, pigs, and screws. The horror of Sakura's pole dancing couldn't even be described. If it were attempted, you gouge your own eyes out with a plastic Spork and your ears would start bleeding while your brain starts to turn into Pork.

"Isn't is cute? He's twitching." 

A perilously familiar voice spoke in his head. It definitely wasn't his conscience. His visible eye twitched as well…

"Awe…So are you. Oh la la…and look at this…Awe. Aren't they adorable? They're playing." 

Shortly following the authoress' last statement there was a rather sharp intake of breath and a heavy moan. Kakashi's eye widened. Naruto shouldn't be doing THAT!

Back over with Gaara and Naruto were the moan had emanated from, both boys were lying in a pile of unopened water bottles. Gaara tenaciously lying on top of Naruto with his head tucked into the blonde's neck. Biting playfully at one of his "horney spots" as they are peculiarly yet truthfully called. Naruto had his hands tangled within the red head's short hair. No worries though. The blonde articulately moaned again, his… "Companion's" name breathed in an intense whisper. A chuckle resounded around the area, yet didn't disturb the sensuous couple, nor the bedraggled one…

"No worries Kakashi-Sama…This is only the second chapter. They both still have there clothes on." 

When suddenly a very familiar orange jacket landed atop Kakashi's springy, silver hair. He gaped, looking over again, almost giving himself whiplash. Naruto was clad now with a black tank shirt, looking very flushed. Dragging his nails up the sand demon's back, pulling the other's shirt along with them.

"Heh…Oops…Maybe I SHOULD stop typing." 

A sigh whispered across the area and Kakashi sat back on his haunches. There was a loud 'snap' sound and Sakura stopped dancing, looking dazedly around, then gasped. Jumping down from the stage she scrambled to Sasuke's side and screamed at the sky, holding the unconscious and foaming Uchiha.

"NOOO! WHY SECRET WORD? HOW COULD YOU!"

Brusquely, she fell over, a loud snore erupting from her nasal cavities. Gaara and Naruto stopped their furious movements and heated make-out sessions, looking at each other curiously. Naruto was sporting a very profound blush as he slipped from under Gaara and skittered towards Kakashi and grabbing his jacket. Turning back to the Kazekage, there was a short silence before.

"You want to play the Happy Kitten Memory Game?"

The red head nodded, pulling out the game and setting it up. Kakashi just sweat dropped and stood straight, looking back and forth between his students and their visitor. What a strange day this was. He rubbed a few spots on his body. And those five-stars still sting like a bitch, too.

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No cats, pigs, screws, OR washing machines were harmed in the writing of this chapter. Though Kakashi might be scarred for life, he came out relatively…unharmed. Sasuke now suffers from paranoia, fear of poles, the color yellow and suffers from seizures. Sakura…Well…She can just get kicked in the ovaries and then shot in the knee. Ummm…There has been no updates on Gaara and Naruto…heh…Please review…Or flame. I hope you enjoy this…the next chapter shall come as soon as I can get an inkling of an idea to build off of. I love you all and farewell. Your favorite smut…

xXxIchaIchaxXx


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